The Knitting Circle Rapist Annihilation Squad Page 11

  But this night there is no deathvomitnoise, so the parents only ask themselves, “What is that smell?”

  Tonight, the AFACASISF has a job to do. At the end of the evening they post on the internet their defining “rant,” to use their preferred word (these self-proclaimed Anarchist Pricks disavow the word communiqué as “too tainted by its association with bourgois [sic] liberal communist counter insurrectionary forces that attempt to inhibit our Feral Edge Freedoms.” In this rant, entitled “The Politics of Impotence,” these Anarchists “rale [sic] against” all those women who are oppressing them by attempting to impose some form of what these Anarchist Pricks derisively call “community norms.” “How dare these women,” the rant rhetorically asks, “play the gender card by attempting to force us to behave according to their entirely arbitary [sic] standards? Why do women get all this power? How dare they tell us what we can and cannot do with our own bodies? We will not take this insult—this authoritarianistic policing, this fascistic Nazi assault on our freedoms—laying [sic] down on our backs! These so-called knitting circle women are a ribbed condom on the throbbing cock of freedom, holding back the spontaneous expression and explosion of true and orgasmic insurrection!”

  Fortunately, their website only gets thirty-five hits, thirty-three of which are by their own members, with the other two being by pasty-faced perverts who’ve done internet searches for the words “cock, throbbing, Nazi, and impotence.” Nonetheless, they consider the rant a raving success.

  Even more fortunately, the militantly casual approach to personal hygiene on the part of members of these Anarchist Prick Patrols not only alerts intended recipients of their feral ardor to their presence, allowing these most definitely unwilling recipients to escape, but also helps members of various knitting circles to find these rapists and turn the tables, or more accurately knitting needles, on them.

  Unsurprisingly, the animal rights group PATE, People Against Treating Nonhuman Animals Execrably (who fully recognize the acronym should be PATNAE, but in a brilliant marketing move keep it as PATE so they can get free advertising anytime anyone mentions pâté), also comes out against the knitting circles.

  The head of PATE, who has a bald one, issues a press release declaring, “This is a disaster for our animal companions and friends. If men aren’t allowed to rape women, we know what this means for the pigs, cows, sheep, bunnies, and chickens of the world. We cannot stand by and allow this horrible outrage to be perpetrated on these helpless creatures.”

  PATE’s means of stopping this outrage is to take photographs of naked supermodels and slap on the caption, “Wouldn’t you rather pork me than a pig?”

  This follows the pattern of PATE’s previous naked supermodel campaigns, like “Spill in me, not in the Gulf,” “Don’t eat a pig, be one,” and, most famously, their anti-hunting poster, “Use your gun on me, big boy.”

  When interviewed about the knitting circles, one animal rights activist sputters, “I personally know one sheep who was assaulted because no women were available. These damn women. I curse them forever for traumatizing my beautiful sheep friend.”

  The U.S. Chamber of Commerce also issues a press release. Interestingly enough, when the Chamber of Commerce uses the phrase press release it means precisely the same thing AFACASISF does when it uses rant. The CoC also eschews the use of the word communiqué for essentially the same reason as AFACASISF, in this case because “it is too tainted by its association with liberal communist forces that attempt to inhibit [in this case] Commercial Freedoms.”

  The press release states, “The United States Chamber of Commerce is unalterably opposed to the so-called Knitting Circles as they are a barrier to exploitation, and therefore a barrier to commerce. Of course the United States Chamber of Commerce vigorously opposes rape, but even more the USCoC opposes the dangerous mythology that rape is occurring, has ever occurred, could ever occur, or that if it did occur it would be caused by humans. It is the USCoC’s unequivocal position that there is no scientific evidence to support the existence of rape. Furthermore, even if rape were to occur, the USCoC holds that it would be good for humans, and far more important, good for the economy.

  “The question too few people seem to be asking is this: If these so-called knitting circle groups (which we feel are actually under the influence of professional liberal communist ‘outside agitators’) are able to stop rape (not that rape exists) then what is to stop these same so-called knitting circle groups and their communist puppet-masters from moving on to stop other forms of so-called exploitation of women, and from there to stopping other forms of so-called exploitation of others? And what if they succeed in stopping all forms of exploitation? What will happen to the economy? It will, of course, collapse. Everyone knows that capitalism is based on and requires systematic exploitation which then magically benefits one and all.

  “And finally, the USCoC position is that stopping rape (not that rape occurs) will harm the economy by destroying jobs. We aren’t exactly sure how it will do this, but ‘saving jobs’ is a boilerplate argument we trot out every chance we get, and it’s always worked before, so we’re trying it again.”

  Big unions find the jobs argument compelling, for reasons that make no more sense than other times big unions join with big corporations in an attempt to make sure exploitation continues. Especially vocal are various chapters of the United Rapists Union.

  Franz Maihem “takes to the street” and interviews URU member Rusty Pike, who says, “I’m proud to be a union rapist, local number 7413. My daddy was a rapist, and his daddy was a rapist, and his daddy before him. We’ve got rape in our blood. It’s an American tradition. Hell, this country was founded on it. The Indians, the land, the women, the workers. Where would this country be without rape? And these women are trying to destroy this proud tradition. They’re trying to destroy our lives.”

  Proclaiming they’re tired of not receiving the respect they deserve for doing patriarchy’s heavy lifting over the last several thousand years, the United Rapists Union calls a strike, chanting at their rallies, “Hey Hey, Ho Ho, Matriarchy’s Got To Go”; and “Rapists, United, Will Always Be Excited.” Rusty Pike comments on the strike, “No respect? Well, then, no rape. We’ll see how they like that now.”

  Women like it just fine.

  But as with any strike, solidarity becomes an issue. Scabs appear, some on their own, some brought in by various industries with a vested interest in keeping women subservient. This leads to pitched battles between the union rapists and the scab rapists over who exactly has the right to do this necessary work.

  In this case, members of various knitting circles do not take sides. Nor, happily, do they take prisoners.

  Next to come out against the knitting circles are the United States Departments of Agriculture and Interior, issuing a joint statement that “study after study has shown that it is only through the wise use and management of MVRs (Mobile Vagina Resources) that we can assure that this resource is available to us now and forever. It is noted that the underutilization of MVRs can cause these MVRs to become ‘decadent,’ or to be wasted. Further, if MVRs were to be severely enough underutilized or were to be managed improperly (as in left on their own) then it is possible this could severely affect future access to the MVRs necessary to keep this nation functioning smoothly. In addition, all use of MVRs (including FUMVRs, or Forcible Use of Mobile Vagina Resources) requires extensive EISs (Environmental Impact Statements) and exhaustive scientific studies, which inevitably show that even FUMVRs have no significant impact on the environment or on human communities. The only exceptions to the requirement of an EIS occurs when the Congress passes categorical exemptions to allow FUMVRs in cases of national emergency or to insure national security by limiting dependence on foreign MVRs, and also to limit the effects of pending Peak MVR. It is further noted, however, that if MVRs do dry up entirely, there do exist suitable if not as desirable substitutes, including NMVRs (Nonhuman Mobile Vagina Resources) and if necessary
SIVR(D)s and PIVR(D)s (Silicon and Plastic Immobile Vagina Resources (Detachable) respectively).”

  The United States Congress also passes categorical exemptions for both MVRs and FUMVRs as deemed necessary by the Department of Defense, stating that an army fights on and for its MVRs, and that the (probably illegal and certainly immoral) withholding of these MVRs saps a nation’s will to fight and constitutes high treason. This exemption is challenged in court, with the United States Supreme Court upholding the exemption by a vote of 11 to 0 (with Clarence Thomas voting three times), citing, then overturning the previous case of Lysistrata v. Athens.

  Members of knitting circles ignore the USDA, DOI, DOD, the Congress, and the Supremes.

  They know what’s good for them.

  Glenn Beck speaks out against the knitting circles. “I want you to listen carefully, because I’m going to expose some dangerous misconceptions,” he says. “Rapes,” here he pauses, stares into space. “Rapes do not happen, and when they do happen it is only because women want them to. It’s so simple it’s complicated, and to help make the complicated simple I’ll draw a picture.”

  He stands, walks to a chalkboard, and draws two dots three feet apart. “The dot on the left is a man. The dot on the right is a woman. He can’t be raping her, because he’s three feet away. It can’t be done, even by someone who is as well endowed as … well, we’re not here on the Glenn Beck show to talk about Glenn Beck. Anyway, if the male dot wants to rape the female dot, what would it have to do?”

  He pauses, looks at the camera.

  “Yes, exactly. It would have to move toward the female dot.” He draws an arrow from the male dot partway toward the female dot. “Now, if this female dot didn’t want to be ‘raped,’ to use their word, what would she do? Exactly, she would move away. And if the man wanted to ‘rape’ her, to still use their heavily loaded word, the man would have to chase her, to run. And the woman would do what? Exactly. She would run away.

  “Now, this is the truth no one wants you to know. The truth so terrifying that only I have the courage and integrity to tell you. The truth is, well, wait—”

  He interrupts himself to stare at the camera, compose his face into a thoughtful look, then ask, almost casually, “When was the last time you saw a woman running in terror? Today? Yesterday? The day before? Right now there are plenty of women in this studio, and none of them are running. Sometimes I see women jogging, but, and here’s the key point, no one is chasing them. These women are running from nothing, and they aren’t even running that fast. And even when women do run fast, as at a track meet, still, no one is chasing them. So, when women aren’t running, no one is raping them, and when women are running, no one is raping them; besides, you couldn’t rape someone while she runs! This tells us all we need to know to understand that this ‘rape’ business is all a fabrication.

  “I can hear you thinking, ‘But, Glenn, why would these women fabricate such a monstrous plot against innocent men?’ I think you know the answer. But I want you to be able to think for yourself and end up thinking just like me, so I’m going to make another diagram.”

  He erases the dots on the chalkboard and makes a big X. He says, “These are two crossed knitting needles. What happens if we break both ends of each knitting needle and turn them ninety degrees, just like these women break truth and turn it ninety degrees?”

  He erases each end of the chalk line and redraws it at a perpendicular to reveal:

  “These women are socialists! They are lying to us when they say that rape occurs. If they tell us this big lie often enough, we will begin to believe it. Never, ever believe the big lie.”

  “The Circle of Compassionate Gentleness” posts a blog entry (which is pretty much the only thing they do, except for meditation, yoga, and lots of therapy) stating, “In the softest, kindest, most gentlest terms, the CoCG expresses our most sorrowful, most guilt-inducing, most for-their-own-good disapproval of these heinous acts committed by these misguided women. Yes, we gently and comfortably deplore whatever acts of you-know-what (we prefer never to use the viol--ce word) these women may perceive that poor, sad, misguided, wounded men may have committed against them, but these poor, sad, misguided, wounded men need our love and compassion and healing. We urge these women, in the softest, kindest, most gentlest terms, to please not upset us by committing heinous acts of viol--ce against these wounded men who can and will be changed by the wonderful power of love and compassion. We would smugly remind these women that gentleness is both a possible and powerful politics, and we would ask them, with glycerin tears in our eyes, to consider the effects and influences of their lives in the light of at least fourteen sacred degrees of separation.”

  Franz Mayhaim takes time from his busy day cruising porn sites (his favorite is www.mobilevaginaresources.com) to look for love, compassion, and healing on the internet. In fact, that is precisely the phrase he Googles, and up pops the Circle’s website. Franz immediately knows he has to interview the Circle’s manager and CEO, William McCant.

  They meet at the Circle’s offices, offices so gentle they have no sharp corners that could be hurty and no doors that could obstruct the movement of compassion.

  Franz asks, “So, William, presuming that rape actually exists, something about which the science is extremely clouded, what are the most important things we can do to stop rape?”

  McCant answers, smoothly, gently, “First, stop trying to stop rape. This sounds counterintuitive, but it’s based on several profound manifestations of my own wise understanding. The first is that it’s not our job to stop rape or to save women. Women don’t need us to save them. Women don’t even need to save themselves. To say they need to be saved implies that the eternal now is not already eternally perfect, and to do so is to insult the power of living and experiencing what we are living and experiencing right now. It is to ignore the power of the now. The now is incredibly powerful, Franz. You are here, and I am here. And there is no rape taking place right here, Franz. Do you see how powerful and transformative this is? The question isn’t, ‘How can I stop rape?’ but rather, it’s ‘How can I become more present here? How can I learn to listen better to what’s going on for me, within me, around me? Why are these women so unenlightened and so impatient and so demanding that they presume the present isn’t good enough, when that’s all they have to work with? Why do they presume the present isn’t good enough simply because they are being sexually assaulted? Franz, these women need to do some serious work on themselves.”

  “You’re right, William, that’s very profound.”

  “Thank you. I prefer to be called Willie.”

  “Got it, Willie.”

  “Second, trying to save anybody or anything often ends up with well-intentioned blindness. People become so convinced they’re on the Side of The Angels that they don’t think to question themselves. That, then, all too easily leads to shoulds, musts, and have-tos, directed at other people. It becomes so easy then to blame rapists for their actions, to say that they ‘should not’ rape, they ‘must not’ rape, they ‘have to’ not rape. And that sort of well-intentioned arrogance is a blight that must be eliminated through whatever passive-aggressive means we can muster. Third, I find it a little disheartening to have expectations or aspirations so huge they approach the infinitudes of impossibility, when I think of little ol’ me in my little ol’ life. I avoid despair where I can, because it is hurty, and it makes me feel so sad, and I don’t want to feel sad, because feeling sad makes me sad.” Willie stops a moment, sucks his thumb. When he’s able to continue, he says, “Stopping rape sounds like something for a superhero, and the last time I checked, I’m no superhero. But to keep myself from feeling as completely ineffective as I really am, I have to assume at every moment that I do make a difference, somehow, even when it’s clear I don’t. So, since I’m not really a stop rape kind of guy, and since I don’t want to feel bad about not being a stop rape kind of guy, it’s important to me that no one else try to stop rape, or it wil
l make me feel inferior, like I should actually be doing something instead of sitting on my beautifully gentle buttocks in my beautifully gentle office, beautifully and gently meditating. So I think the women should stop trying to stop rape. That is the first step toward stopping rape.”